Setting Boundaries: It’s Not About the “How” But the “Why”

People often misunderstand what setting boundaries in relationships—and in life—is really about. They come to me asking, “How do I set boundaries?” But before I answer, I ask them something that catches them off guard:

Why do you want to set a boundary? What are you protecting? Why should you protect it (beyond just being told you should)? And what do you think will happen if you don’t?

These questions dig deeper than just the mechanics of boundary-setting. They force you to confront the why behind your need for boundaries.

Boundaries Begin with Self-Worth

Think about a mother protecting her baby. If you ask her why she does it, her answer is simple: “I love my child with all my heart.” No hesitation. No second-guessing.

But when it comes to protecting ourselves, it gets complicated. Why? Because it hinges on how much we love and value ourselves. And what affects that? A million things—our upbringing, past relationships, societal expectations, and the whispers of self-doubt that creep in through negative self-talk and unkind words we’ve internalized.

The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Boundaries

In my 35 years as a therapist, I’ve seen what happens when people don’t set boundaries:

• Depression from suppressing their needs.

• Anxiety from constantly walking on eggshells.

• Strained (if not broken) relationships with those who genuinely care but feel shut out or drained.

When we don’t define what is and isn’t acceptable in our lives, we leave ourselves open to resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection.

The Real Work: Chasing Away the Shadows

Before you can set boundaries effectively, you need to do the hard work of clearing out the mental clutter. That means:

• Identifying where you’ve been conditioned to put others before yourself.

• Recognizing how fear, guilt, or low self-worth may be stopping you.

• Understanding that setting a boundary isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect.

Once you uncover your why, the who and how become effortless. The decision to protect your energy, time, and emotional well-being won’t feel like a battle—it will feel like a necessity.

So, I ask you now: What are you truly protecting? Go deep. Your answer is waiting in the shadows.